Election Special – Tacky Racers
(aka Match the Skid Puns and Catch the Pig’s Dung)
Dastardly Boris, he was way out front
Yet he still cheated accepting a shunt
From Sarge (blast Aaron Banks)
Whose surplus army’s tank’s
Driven right over the dick, what a grunt
Is let out by Dastardly Boris
Just as they are reaching the forest
While Cleverly, (who’s rough cut),
Saw truth as “stuck in a rut”
And beavers, to “fact check” and bore us
Following them the perfect con-fusion
Jacob Rees-Mogg and Michael Gove who spin
From ivory towers bats
Their ideological spats
In plus fours, equalling Gruesome Twosome!
Worse for wear though – is Dominic Rabb ill?
His voice is hoarse, like Rock or like Gravel!
He’s unable to steer
(He can’t till mobs clear)
Around Dominic Cummings’s rabble
Then Muttley (Farage), the national front
Of the Brexit Party, tries an old stunt
Playing little Hitler
This tale spin belittler
Stirs leaves, he’s the litter’s titular runt
As the wind rushes breaking old norms
Priti Patel’s residency forms
Pen-hell-apply, rich-top
Of her rules based list, stop
Free movement, a win (Russia loves storms)!
Then Sajid Javid professes that spending
Can increase, into the Red, Max goes lending
But in private meekly
He’ll admit that weekly
He still cuts corners, by numbers he’s bending
Bringing up the rear is Liam Fox
Whose bold trade deals Peter out in talks
Now he travels alone
Because friendships are prone
To bring Peter imperfect hard knocks
Some say “his teachings are just lazy, Luke
Though preaching, hardly a deal’s in his book”
Luke cries “That’s not fair, class”
And blubbers, laid bare as
That well (and you all know who) hazy duke
Who is grounded now (not just a smidgeon)
All alone in hotel room with Gideon
His pulse still madly racing
A hot bead of sweat tracing
Like crept steam, hopes they can’t catch. The pig’s done.
How many Tacky Racers did you spot? Here’s a handy checklist –
Dastardly (Boris)
Muttley (Farage)
Sergeant Blast (Aaron Banks) and Private Meekly (Sajid Javid’s surrender budget)
Penelope Pitstop (Pity the piteously pretty Priti Patel)
Red Max (Sajid Javid’s economy)
Peter imPerfect (Liam Fox’s “friend”)
Lazy Luke (Liam Fox) and Blubbery Bear (Liam Fox’s Negotiating Position)
The Slag Brothers (Rock and Gravel) Dominics Raab and Cummings
The Ant Hill Mob (Dominic Cumming’s Staff of mini-mobsters)
The Gruesome Twosome (Jacob Rees-Mogg and Michael Gove)
Rufus Ruffcut (James Cleverly) and Sawtooth the Beaver (James Cleverly’s simple sword of tooth)
Professor Pat Pending (Sajid Javid)
The Grand old Duke of York (himself)
Crept Steam – Jeffrey Epstein ( “crept steam” – yes? No? I know, that’s pushing it)
The Pig? Perm one from many (or all)